Why is my child biting?
My child was the biter from 12 months until about 18 months old. I was the nanny whose child didnt have the words to express their frustration. We had about 5 incidents before this really started to stick. And let me tell you, I was LIVID, looking the other parents in the eyes to give them the incident report.
It looked a little like this. Two children are playing together. One has a toy train. The other child wants the train. We’ll call one child Michael, and the other Robert. Michael wants the train that is in Robert’s hands. He whines, clenches his fists, and moves in to try to take the train. When he is not successful, Michael moves in and bites down HARD on Robert’s arm. Panic ensues. Robert is sobbing. All the mortified parents are rushing in, yelling something about needing to learn to share. Michael starts crying because he knows he’s in trouble and everyone is completely consumed by emotions.
This moment is the time for adults to turn their voices off, treat it like a very minor thing (I know this is hard and it is not minor!), and comfort Robert first, then Michael. Allow everything to calm down before talking neutrally about what just happened. Ask questions to understand not to respond.
“Okay, but how do I stop the biting?”
Notice the cues that happen just before the bite happens. Did Michael’s fists clench? Did he try to use his words to say “no” or “stop,” but it didn’t work? Did he try to take the train without success? Next time you see that same thing start to happen, it’s time to step in and redirect!
Physically pick up the biter so they can not hurt anyone else.
Name what you notice and the feeling your child may be feeling. “Michael, I see your fists are clenched tight. You look mad.”
Validate it. “It’s okay to want something. It’s Robert’s turn right now.”
Give an alternative. This step is crucial. Your child has a need. Right now, that is to bite whatever is in front of them at that very moment. “When you feel like you need to bite, you can tell me “Bite, please!” and we can get you something to bite” —
When they do say “BITE!” you have to run. And I mean RUN. Show them you are serious. That you will help. It will be a person or a teether on the receiving end, and at this point, you are the deciding factor.
Some appropriate things to offer:
Frozen Fruit like mango, strawberries, etc. - The cold helps to reset/regulate when children are dysregulated.
Teether - Something that can easily go in the diaper bag for easy access on the go.
We loved these teether tubes, and with 3 per package, there was almost always one within reach.
Something crunchy - That satisfying crunch of puffs or Goldfish that we all know and love can help to regulate the brain and soothe the need to bite.
After you do all of this once, do it again. And again. And again. Because if there is one thing we know about children? It’s that consistency is the fastest way to let them know that you won’t let them hurt others.
